New URL

I'm a dork. When choosing a URL for the blog, I did a quick Google search and found that "jujube" is a fruit and thought I saw that the candy was spelled "jujubee." Well, P came home with a box of the candy (SO sweet of him!):


Um... only one E. Crap. Sooo... since I know it will bother me to have it spelled incorrectly, I've imported by blog to:

http://ourjujube.blogspot.com/

I'm SO sorry for the confusion. I can't believe I did that. Grrr...

Beta #1 is in!

We were at the lab almost as soon as they opened, but still had to wait for a little while. I already had seen positive results, but was still anxious about the beta numbers. P and I sat reading Entertainment Weekly magazines until my name was called. I wished I'd brought along my book club book. Why do I never remember to bring a book with me to appointments?! Anyhow, it was finally my turn. I was glad that the nice phlebotomist was there this morning. She's the one who took my blood for all the pre-conception labs I had to do since we're using a donor. With her, the draw was quick and painless even though she used a pretty big needle and had to fill 12 vials! When I went for cycle day 3 testing, the lady who was there was not so nice and left me bruised. I did NOT want her jabbing me again. Turns out, maybe I needed to be jabbed! Nice phlebotomist could not find a vein. She poked my usual spot on one arm and nothing... Lucky for me, she didn't just jab it around until she hit blood (like the other chick had done... that frickin' hurt! I'm usually not squeamish about needles & have a high tolerance for pain, but ow!). She tried the other arm... still wasn't finding anything. I had to pump a little stress relief ball and let my arm hang down for awhile. Then she tried smacking me to get one to pop out. Finally she caught sight of a little juicy looking vein and was able to get what she needed. I have NEVER had such a hard time drawing blood. I think maybe I was anxious and all constricted? I dunno...

I was relieved to see a big, flourescent "STAT" sticker she put on my lab forms. Sweet! We should know a.s.a.p. We went home and back to bed. Yes... we were feeling lazy. I have been TIRED and it's P's normal day off so he wanted to sleep in even though he'd already been up. :o)

I woke up before him (had to pee... BIG surprise! Ha!), but came back to bed and read for awhile. Then my phone rang... caller ID says "RSC." Aaahhh! Already? It's only 10 o'clock?! Turns out, my nurse was calling to make sure I'd had blood drawn this morning. "Yes! First thing when they opened!" I told her. She told me she'd call as soon as they had results. Ugh. Back to waiting! But I do love them for checking in on me. RSC is pretty good with that.

So... lounging and reading and playing online to occupy my time until the phone rang again... "RSC" on the caller ID. OMG!! This is it! It was Dr. H and she asked if I was ready for good news. YES! Of course I am! She said, "Congratulations! You are pregnant!" Holy crap. It's real now. The doctor said so. I told her that I'd peed on sticks all weekend and got positives, but still wasn't quite sure what to think. She laughed at me. She it was a great sign that I got a positive at 11dpo. She told me my hCG level was at 72. They want to see at least 25 to confirm pregnancy, so 72 sounds great!

Dr. H said I'd get another lab form to have a second beta on Wednesday. She congratulated me again and told me to just keep doing what I'm doing because it's working! Yay! Then she transferred me to a nurse to schedule my first ultrasound. Our appointment for that is March 19th. I can't wait!

I think that *maybe* this is finally starting to sink in. Wow. I'm pregnant!!!

Do you see what I see?

I started testing Thursday morning at 10dpo. I used a cheapie test from $ Tree and got a BFN. Okay... it's early. I won't be too bummed out. BUT I could see a super faint, barely there, shadow of line where the line *would* be if it turned pink. Yes, folks... this is what TTC does to some people. You become "crazy pee on a stick (or in a cup) lady" and SUPER over-analyze everything in those little windows! On to 11dpo...

I tested in the morning, again with a $ Tree test. Still don't really see a line, but can totally see the phantom line where the line would be (grr... stupid evap!). I decided to go get some "real" tests after work that day. I ended up with First Response Early Response (a 4-pack that included a digital. Woo!). I told myself I'd wait until the morning to use one, but who was I kidding? I totally took a test the next time I had to pee!

This is what showed up:

Do you see what I see?! I thought, "Eh... I'm imagining things because I want to see pink so badly." I took it to P to see what he thought (he didn't even see the shadows of lines I tried to convince him about before!), so I thought he'd give it to me straight if it was nothing. He looked at it... held it to the light... and said, "I see faint pink." Aahhh!!! Really?! OMG! I got tears in my eyes and he was like "Don't cry!" Don't cry? How can I NOT cry?! Surprisingly I didn't *really* cry. I was too much in shock and had to show this test to 2 of my friends to see if they saw what we thought we saw. I e-mailed them pictures (camera phone was NOT clear at all) and then waited for their calls. One friend figured out how to conference call from our cell phones and got all three of us on the line at the same time. We all agreed there was a line. It was positive. Even their husbands agreed there was line! Then I posted it on message boards I frequent to see if ladies there could see what we saw. Everyone did! Even with all those eyes agreeing with us & congratulating us, we still don't know if we can quite believe it yet!

The next morning I took the digital test that came in my 4-pack. This result popped up:

Holy wow. I woke up P to show him. He said, "It says TEST." Uh... wake up a little & look again! I had to tell him that it said "YES+" then he was said, "Oooh... I see it now! That "+" threw me off." Now he's saying "YesT, you are pregnant." Hehehe. Yest.

I'd been holding off on getting the Clear Blue Easy digital pregnancy test until I got a positive on something else. Well, Saturday was the day! I went to my trusty Target and got the 2-pack. I couldn't WAIT to take it and finally see the word:

Yay! Finally that result from MY test. It is still SO surreal.

Here is Lucky bear, showing that he is indeed, lucky:

I've been extra-specially cozied up to Lucky the past few nights. Good little bear! Now we need him to make sure this baby sticks!

My beta blood test is in the morning. I think then maybe this will sink in more? I'm hoping for excellent numbers... Lucky? You hear that? We need a good beta result! :o)

Phantom Symptoms?

I hate the two week wait. I've been through them before, but knowing now that this is actually the first time we've really had a chance at a BFP, I'm feeling REALLY apprehensive! I know it's only 14 days and that I could get a positive result on a home pregnancy test before the blood test, but still... the days are going by so slowly! I did realize that my 2ww will be an hour shorter due to the time change coming up, so that's good, right? ;o)

I really, really don't want to get my hopes up or have unrealistic expectations that this will work the first time, but I can't help it. Hopes are already up. I'm also over-analyzing every little thing going on with my body. I have a constant, yet subtle headache; I have to pee ALL the time (what would this be like later in pregnancy?!); I'm bloated; I'm having vivid dreams; I'm craving waffles like crazy! I would be happy with waffles for every meal. How weird is that?! Anyhow... I know I'm just going to drive myself crazy with all these "phantom" symptoms. I just have to be patient and wait until enough time has passed to possibly get a + pregnancy test. Is it 10dpo yet?

The Backstory... bear with me!

Making a baby is not always as easy as people make it sound when you're in junior high school sex ed. Things are WAY more complicated than anything I was ever taught in school... even in my college level sex ed class! Anyhow, this was not my attitude when my husband and I decided to start trying to conceive a baby in July of 2007. I stopped taking birth control and we thought for sure that we'd just have lots of sex for a couple of months and wind up with a bun in the oven. Well... no such luck.

After a couple of months of trying, I read Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler and began using the Ovusoft software to chart my temperature and other fertility signs to see if and when ovulation was occuring. After several months of charting and realizing that our timing was definitely NOT off, I expressed my concern to both my primary care physician and my Ob-Gyn. Both of them told me that we should try for about a year before worrying too much, but I told them I'd been charting for months and something just felt wrong. My Ob-Gyn agreed to run blood tests on me and suggested a semen analysis for my husband, Paul. My blood work came back normal. However, my husband's analysis wasn't so promising. No sperm were detected. His urologist ordered another SA, this time through a Reproductive Endocrinologist's office. Turns out, this was the same RE that my PCP and my Ob-Gyn had recommended should we need one. This was also the doctor that a friend was seeing, but I didn't know it at the time. Anyhow... all signs were pointing to us needing to see this RE.

The second SA was no different than the first. Now the doctors wanted to find out WHY there was no sperm. He had to go for lots of blood work and we made a follow-up appointment with the urologist. We were taken into his office and sat in the chairs in front of his desk. I never thought I'd be in those chairs gearing up to hear more about a bad diagnosis. It was almost like it couldn't really be happening to us. The doctor said P has a chromosonal disorder and that is why there are no sperm. BUT, there are new procedures in which they essentially biopsy the testicles in order to see if any sperm are being produced, just not making it into the semen. If sperm is found, they can do IVF with ICSI (in vitro fertilization with intracytoplasmic sperm injection, essentially meaning: extract eggs from me, extract sperm from him, inject sperm directly into an egg and then transfer fertilized eggs back into me, hoping for implantation and a successful pregnancy). We thought this sounded like an excellent (albeit expensive!) option and left the office feeling shocked & sad, yet hopeful that we still had a chance. This was in June of 2008.

That hopeful feeling quickly dissipated as we were stuck in insurance limbo for months just trying to see if the testicular biopsy would be covered by insurance. I had trouble communicating with the RE's office, the urologist's office, and our insurance company. I felt like I was getting the run around. Everyone said that someone else had to do something, or provide something before the other could do anything. I was beyond frustrated and thinking that we'd never be able to make this happen because no way could we pay for it out of pocket!

I did have an ultrasound in July 2008 (the one year anniversary of this TTC journey) with our RE just to make sure that everything really was okay with me. The doctor said my uterus was beautiful (um... thanks?) and that things looked good with me. We just needed some sperm!

As the holidays approached, I got a call from the RE asking where we were in the planning stage and what our next step would be. I told her that we were having trouble with insurance issues and just didn't have the cash for the biopsy. She said they hate for money (or rather the lack thereof) to be what is preventing couples from continuing treatment. The RE's office and the urologist (who would preform the surgery) agreed to bill insurance first, then defer billing and/or set up payment plans with us. OMG... SUCH a relief. We could finally move forward. Surgery was set for January 15, 2009.

January 15th finally rolled around. I don't think P & I had ever been so apprehensive! It really sucked to sit in the waiting room wondering what was happening. As soon as I saw the doctor open the door and call me back, I knew it was bad news. He told me that he searched everywhere for some healthy tissue that might contain sperm, but he just couldn't find any. He said he's never been so confused by a diagnosis because P has NO other symptoms of this chromosonal disorder aside from the no sperm thing. I could tell he felt bad for getting our hopes up, but I know he really did all he could for us. He and our RE both said we'd be excellent candidates for donor sperm and thought that would be our best bet, if we chose to pursue it. We had discussed this months before after the initial SA findings, so we made an appointment to discuss donor sperm with the RE a couple of weeks later.

We met with the RE on February 4th. She explained the donor selection process, the initial blood work (yes, MORE blood work) that we'd have to do, recommended the cryobanks with which she's noticed the best results, and then said that I was at the perfect time in my cycle to go ahead with the first IUI (intrauterine insemination) that month. WHAT?! This month?! Seriously?! Wow... after 20 cycles and knowing that during all that time we really had no chance of conceiving, it was strange to hear "it could happen this month." I was a week or so away from starting my period, so she gave me a prescription for Clomid (I ovulate on my own, but the Clomid would increase our chances a bit), gave us the lab orders for bloodwork, and told us to work on picking a donor within the next 10 days. Holy crap! This was happening SO fast now!

We went home and immediately started checking out the cryobanks. We really liked the one that was the RE's top recommendation, so we decided to limit our search within that one. That made things a little less overwhelming. Over the next few days, we made a list of about 10 donors that were good matches. We were even able to see baby pictures of some of them. I spoke with a representative from the cryobank on the phone & he had me pick our top 6 choices and send him that info along with some pictures of P. Then he was able to tell me which donors looked the most like my husband. Recipients are not allowed to see adult pictures of donors, for anonymity's sake, so this service they provided just added some extra assurance that we'd made a good choice. We settled on our donor and placed the order. At this point, my period had ended, I was done with the Clomid pills, and we were on the lookout for ovulation!

I started using OPKs (ovulation predicition kit) on cycle day 10. On cycle day 13, February 22nd, I got a positive result and headed in to the RE's office for an ultrasound to check my ovaries and uterine lining. My doctor wasn't there, so I saw someone else. He also said that my uterus looked good! He even used the term "uterine perfection" for what they want to see prior to an IUI. Yay, uterus! He found one really big follicle on each side, which meant I had responded well to the Clomid. Also, increased chance of twins! Can you imagine? All this time just hoping for one baby, and now we could get TWO?! My nurse gave me and hCG trigger shot to help ensure that the ovaries would release the eggs. I was sent home and told the IUI would be at 2PM the next day. But wait... our donor specimen hadn't arrived yet. CRAP! What were we supposed to do without the sperm?! I called the cryobank as soon as I could and got tracking information for the package. Turns out, it was due to arrive the next morning. Whew! I still was freaking out and watching its progress online. It was delivered earlier than promised! I got a call from the RE's office saying that it arrived, everything was in place, and they'd see me at 2.

We arrived right on time for our appointment. I was so nervous! P seemed perfectly calm. I love that about him. I know he was likely freaking out too, but he doesn't show it and that helps keep me calm. They called back for our turn. We had to go pick up our vial from the lab. We got to meet our vial of little dudes & I had to hold it against my skin to keep it close to body temperature. They actually told me to stick it in my bra! So that's where the vial was for about 5-10 minutes before the procedure. When they were like "You might want to stick this in your bra." I thought, "Um... okay. Nice to meet you, little guys. So... this is my bra. Snuggle into my cleavage... You get to go somewhere else soon!" Ha! Oh, and the "This is my bra" part I totally felt like Phoebe on Friends when she's trying to seduce Chandler to get him to fess up to sleeping with Monica. Jeez... I can relate almost everything back to Friends! While at the lab, we also got a report of the sperm count. They like to see at least 5 million in thawed semen and we had 21.3 million motile count! The nurse practitioner came in and explained the IUI procedure. Then she turned off the lights & soft music started playing. P was like, "Oh, so I guess this will be intimate after all, huh?" Ha! She said it's better for me to relax as much as possible, so dimming the lights helps. The music was just a coincidence because I guess the people up front turned it on & it's the same music throughout the office. So then it was IUI time. There is a loooong catheter that is inserted into my cervix and up into my uterus. Then they inject in the semen. I felt more than I thought I would, which was good because I remember a friend saying she felt it more with her last IUI and that's the one that worked for her! It was over pretty quickly and then they had me lay there for about 20 minutes.

They told me to go back to normal activities for the next 2 weeks and go have my blood test on March 9. I knew it was going to be a looooong 2 weeks...

P and I spent the afternoon shopping and went out to dinner. We ended up using a coupon I had to make a teddy bear at Build A Bear. We felt a little silly being in there without a kid, but hey... we were working on one, right? After seeing some of the St. Patrick's Day accessories they had for the animals, we decided that this bear would be our lucky charm. We already knew exactly what we wanted to wish on the little satin heart that would be stuffed into the bear. ;o) We picked out a cute, hypoallergenic bear and some St. Patty's boxers. We named the little guy Lucky and have shared our bed with him every night. Here he is:

I added the bow myself. I already had the ribbon and it matched him better than the plain green one they gave me at the store. Isn't he cute?!

The next morning, I actually took a home pregnancy test because the trigger shot was still in my system would give me a positive result. I know that's cheating, but it was nice to see the positive for once. I kept it on my nightstand as kind of a good luck charm. I wonder if Build-a-Bear would put THAT into a bear?! Ha!

I have a good feeling about this. Everything finally seems to be going right. This is our first REAL chance at conceiving. It's not the ideal way or at all like we'd planned years ago when we'd talk about having kids, but this is our story... this is how we might be able to build a family... and so the wait continues...